A Healthy Marriage

A Healthy Marriage

“Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small that scurry along the ground” So God created human being in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it”

Genesis 1:26-28 NLT

“submit to each other out of respect for Christ”

Ephesians 5:21

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourself”

Philippians 2:3

A Kingdom marriage reflects Jesus’ humble character to our spouse. His character is manifested by the fruits of His Holy Spirit, Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. It is founded on mutual love, respect, serving one another, and collaboration. God’s original design before sin entered the earth, was the perfect leadership team, male and female, made in His image, governing together, never over each other.

Research shows that when the two spouses believe in equal Kingdom status and value, sharing chores and decision making, the relationship will be happier, healthier, more intimate, more meaningful, and generally longer lasting (Cooke 2006). The New Dictionary of Christian Ethics and Pastoral Theology defines marriage as a co-partnership of equality where ‘neither may lord it over the other”. It is a mutual partnership without presumed or expected gender roles, where intimacy can thrive.

We must understand that God’s Kingdom is spiritual, not physical.  God did not create two genders so one can be excluded and discriminated against. He created gender so His family can procreate and fill the earth.  He never put constraints or limits on His daughters because we can do all things through Christ (Philippians 4:13). In the spirit, we all have the same commands and commission from the King, but He never imposes His will on anyone – it’s called free will. We must live by the Spirit not the flesh (Galatians 5:16). The Bible says to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29).

When the man values his wife as his co-leader and partner, and counts her more significant than himself, there is less self-centeredness, abuse, pride, arrogance, and power and control issues. The women are much happier, and less likely to leave or divorce. God created Adam and Eve to be free and equally responsible for looking after God’s creation.  There was no motivation for power and control, to constantly blame the woman, put her down, or lord it over. The first thing Adam did when sin entered the earth was to blame God and blame the woman. The whole Bible is meant to reflect the Father’s love, mercy, and redemption. It is meant to add value to people and set them free, not limit, discriminate, or control.

A large survey of married couples found that 81% of egalitarian couples report that they are happy while 18% of “traditional” couples – (those believing in gender roles, and male "headship"), reported that they were happy. (Are Trad Wives Really Happy? Dr. Cara Goodwin, PHD, Aug.07, 2024)

A Healthy Marriage

-          Is when God is “the” authority, and “the” leader in the home. They are led by the Holy Spirit. The dictionary defines blasphemy as taking God’s place.  The word Kephale – “head” in the Bible, is the word source, not leader or authority (see Dr. Philip B. Payne’s book at the end of this blog). “Headship” is not found in the original Greek of the Bible.

-          Is founded in freedom, mutual respect, love, and submission. We don’t submit to gender, we submit to one another’s spiritual gifts, strengths, and anointing.

-          Is knowing God’s original design before the earth was created - male and female governing together, not over each other (Genesis 1:26-28).

-          Understands all the inaccuracies and misinterpretations regarding women and wives in the Bible and want to see women set free from control and abuse.

-          Is not about I, it’s about WE.

-          Is knowing we are both holy as God is holy. When arrogant people keep putting their spouse down, they are defiling what God considers holy.

-          Is knowing that the Bible states: all those who obey God are to become the leaders and not the followers, are above only and not beneath (Genesis 28:13), which includes wives. No one is born a leader, leadership has nothing to do with chromosomes or biology, leadership is learned. We are all created to become leaders, but there is a process of learning transformational leadership skills, having the right character, and displaying mature fruit. (see my book Well Done Good and Faithful Church Leader? Solutions to the Leadership Crisis in the Church)

-          Values each person God created unconditionally, not for what they can do FOR them.

-          Values each person’s choices, opinions, rights, and freedoms as citizen of God’s Kingdom, even when married.

-          Purposes to bring out the best in each other.

-          The couple can choose if one spouse stays home to raise the children. My husband and I chose that I stay home because that’s what we wanted. I do not believe women should be judged, condemned, or shamed if they need to go to work for whatever reason. My counseling supervisor was the one who worked outside the home while her husband stayed home to raise the children once they were weaned. He also worked from home as an accountant. Do we believe that men cannot parent their children? If you are not influenced by religious legalism, you would know that it is not sin and they would not go to hell.

-          Has less room for self-centeredness and abuse since the marriage is rooted in humility where we think of others as more significant than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). Men that think they have the last say is called dictatorship, which is not from God’s Kingdom.

-          Has no hierarchy inside the body of Christ, which includes marriage, since we are all one (Galatians 3:28).

-          Has no power struggles.

-          Men’s identities are in Christ not themselves, which makes them confident and not threatened by mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21).

-          Where the couple are confident and humble. Only the insecure, the narcissist, the misogynist, and those with identity issues feel a need to control. Arrogance doesn’t equal confidence.

-          Has no one usurping authority over another – authority is over the enemy only (Luke 10:19)

-          Has no competition, no one is better or more important than another. God has no favorites (Rom. 2:11, James 2:4).

-          Does not believe feelings or emotions are irrational, we purpose to listen and understand what the person is trying to share. We need to honor each human’s uniqueness. Empathy and consideration are keys to a healthy marriage.

-          Understands that putting others down, which includes the Father’s daughters is considered verbal abuse. The Bible states revilers, or the vile (those who verbally abuse, degrade, scorn, curse, are mean), are being hateful and will be thrown in the lake of fire (Revelation 21:8) if they don’t repent – turn from their wicked ways.

-          Outdoes one another at showing honor (Romans 12:10)

-          Prays together

-          Purposes to unite, not divide based on gender prejudices.

-          Has purposed to learn empathetic, respectful, effective communication and conflict resolution skills, no one has the last say, no need for a tie breaker

-          Has no expectation of slavery – treating their wife as a housemaid and sex slave if she chooses to stay home to raise the children. They share mutual chores. If a single working man lived on his own, he would have to cook, clean, do laundry, and the dishes, it does not automatically get transferred to a wife once married. A homemaker is a manager not a housemaid.

-          Serves each other and does not expect to be served.

-          Doesn’t believe in gender roles since many translations are founded in pagan gender stereotype and prejudice against women, not from God. (see recommended reading below). God sees everything through a spiritual lens not a physical “gender” or race mindset.

-          Both have a teachable spirit, wanting to learn from each other and grow as human beings to make the marriage even better.

-          Both purposes to grow and mature in the fruits of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

-          Both have learned to be proactive, not reactive

-          Both are committed and faithful, wanting to please God more than the flesh

-          The couple discusses everything and make choices together, especially in finances in order to better their marriage.

-          Both are accountable and own their behavior.

-          Are willing to apologize and forgive as God commands.  If a person keeps apologizing for the same toxic and or abusive behavior, they have not repented. We should be able to see the fruit of their repentance.

-          Have each other’s back. The spouse comes first over work, in-laws, family of origin, sports, hobbies. No one should come in between.

-          Understands that hierarchy was part of the curse in Genesis three that was corrected by Jesus’ shed blood of atonement. It was never a pattern to be followed. Jesus empowered, taught, and affirmed women.  Holy Spirit was given to both men and women at Pentecost to help lead the church. The Holy Spirit in a man does not have more authority than the Holy Spirit in a woman.  We are to be led by the Holy Spirit.

-          Practice empathy and humility daily. Humility is freedom from Pride and Arrogance.

What does the Bible really say?

Nowhere in the Bible does it say it’s the women’s job to do all the domestic chores.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say men were created to lead

Nowhere in the Bible does it say women are men’s assistant. The word helper in Hebrew is Ezer which means “Warrior, Strength, Power, and Rescue”.  It is the same word used for God in the strong ways He rescues us.  It is a battle word.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say husbands are the provider, but many scriptures say that God is our provider.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say men or husbands are the leaders or the ones with authority in the home. See all recommended reading listed below.

Nowhere in the original Greek text of the Bible can you find the word headship. If God had ordained male headship, he would have sent the angel to Joseph first to tell him that he would be the father of the Son of God instead of sending the angel to Mary first. Next Mary’s father would be told. Mary would have been the last to know if male headship had been God’s plan.

Conclusion

A healthy marriage is a happy one. (See my book Before the Ring and Beyond, The Ultimate Key to a Healthy Marriage – for in depth skills and tools to have a healthy, happy marriage). Research proves that when couples share responsibilities, equal decision making, and balanced division of labor, marriages tend to be happier, with less divorce. They have higher level of marital satisfaction, more stability, and higher sexual satisfaction for the women, than those who follow gender roles and male “leadership”.

We know that racism is from the enemy’s playbook but why is sexism accepted and taught in the church as theology.  The dictionary defines sexism as “an ideology based on the belief that one sex is superior to another. It is discrimination, prejudice, or stereotyping based on gender, and is most often expressed towards women and girls.” How do we not see that this is oppressive and evil? It is all rooted in pride, arrogance, narcissism, and power and control.

God created us unique, not only because of how awesomely creative He is but so we could all come together with our different spiritual gifts, strengths, talents, and anointing to collaborate. The purpose of being one is to help advance His Kingdom of love and defeat the enemy. Uniqueness is not meant to limit or confine us. God did not commission only half of humanity, He commissioned us all. All He needs is a yes from anyone. God only sees us from a spiritual perspective not a physical one. Gender is physical not spiritual.

Jesus was the biggest liberator of women. When Jesus said in Luke 4:18 “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the captives and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free” I believe the captive and the oppressed He was talking about were also the women and wives who were being dehumanized - mistreated, abused, devalued, treated as housemaids and sex slaves.

Be free to be mighty for Jesus,

In freedom and might,

Jeannette

Recommended Reading

·  Let My Women Go! Setting Women Free From Oppression in the Church and in Marriage – Jeannette Treen

·         The Bible vs Biblical Womanhood – Dr. Philip B. Payne

·         How God Sees Women – Terran Williams

·         What Paul Really Said About Women – John Temple Bristow

·         Fashioned to Reign – Kris Vollatton

·         10 Lies the Church Tells Women and 10 Lies the Church Tells Men – Lee Grady

·         Life in God’s Kingdom, How to Manifest Heaven on Earth – Jeannette Treen

·         Before the Ring and Beyond, The Ultimate Key to a Healthy Marriage – Jeannette Treen