I write this article to refute that the only Biblical reason for divorce is adultery. When people are only focused on certain words or inaccurate translations and don’t look at the entire Bible to understand God’s heart, we can fall prey to religious legalism. It is important to put all the pieces together to have a better picture of the whole puzzle.
Religious legalism tends to use “scripture” or inaccurate translations and interpretations to accuse, blame, shame, put down, control, and bring or keep people in bondage rather than set them free. Jesus came to redeem and set us free from all captivity and lies of the enemy. The dictionary defines captive as: held under the control of another but having the appearance of independence. It also means prisoner.
The end of this article will expand on the scriptures against abuse with some explanations and definitions that show the Father’s heart toward those who choose to control, abuse, are prideful, arrogant and self-centered without repenting. The key words are without repenting! To be clear, repenting does not mean to say sorry, that is forgiveness. Repenting means you acknowledge your behavior as sin, you turn from your wicked ways and choose to sin no more. We should be able to see the fruit of their repentance, meaning a change in behavior to righteousness, honor, respect, and love. All forms of abuse and control are sins!
Every time the scripture says sin or evil, I have added the words abuse (emotional or physical, which includes control) in parenthesis, to add emphasis that abuse is sin and evil. I have also added the word wife in some instances.
You will notice that God commands us to stay away from abusive, prideful, arrogant and unrepentant humans. Just because you married one doesn’t mean you are now stuck in that prison. Jesus opened that prison door at the cross to set you free. It’s time to WALK OUT!
Divorce
The Bible was not originally written in English. It was translated in many different languages. We know that words in dictionaries always have more than one definition. However, men translated through the filter of their own perceptions, prejudices, and what was going on in that era, not necessarily through the heart of God – LOVE.
What God hates is when people are prideful and arrogant (Proverbs 8:13), have no empathy or compassion for one another, put others down or mistreat them, discriminate, and have hard hearts (Matthew 19:8). At that time, many were divorcing for any reason, which did not please God. Most were also not asking God for who they should marry.
In the older translations, like the 1965 Amplified version, it states “’For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘and him who covers his garment with wrong and violence,’ says the Lord of Hosts. ‘Therefore, watch on your spirit, so that you do not deal treacherously [with your wife]” (Malachi 2:16). If you prefer the older translations, there are two things you should look at closely. First, where it states, “I hate divorce,” the next words are, “and him who covers his garments with wrong and violence.” God hates the man who abuses and acts violently.
Second, we focus on divorce like it is this evil thing we should not do when we should be focusing on accountability for the person committing the sin - violence or verbal abuse, which is considered treacherous, = betrayal or treason against the wife. That is what is evil!
Divorce is not evil, but abuse is. Divorce becomes necessary when people refuse to repent from their arrogant, prideful, controlling and abusive ways. Emotional abuse, violence, misogyny, pride, arrogance and control is sin. We must also see the fruit of repentance in their words and actions. Where is the accountability? The church tolerates way too much sin/evil.
The only reason for divorce should be an unrepented heart. Matthew 18:15 states, “If your fellow believer sins against you and refuses to listen in hopes of restoration and refuses to respond even to the church then you must disregard him as though he were an outsider on the same level as an unrepentant sinner.” Most abusers are narcissistic (extremely self-centered) at some level and have trouble taking responsibility. Most do not repent. When reading the scriptures below, you will also notice that those who abuse whether physically or verbally, are not considered Christians. They are not purposing to live out of God’s Kingdom on earth but out the dominion of darkness.
If an unrepentant is thrown out of the church, should not he or she also be thrown out of marriage? If the person is willing to work on the marriage—acknowledging his or her behavior as sin and purposing to change, then reconciliation should be the focus.
God loves marriage. He created it as an example of His love for His bride, the Church. We are supposed to replicate Jesus’ sacrificial love to His bride. Humility – putting God first and thinking of others as more significant than ourselves (Philippians 2:3), should be part of our character and seen in our daily actions.
However, people have defiled marriage with pride, arrogance, abuse, misogyny, self-centeredness, lust, control, domination, adultery, religious legalism and fear. We are not supposed to make a doctrine over a couple of Scriptures or some inaccurate translations and interpretations. We must put it up against the whole Word of God. (see my book Life in God’s Kingdom – to learn how not to be deceived).
God is clear on what He hates. There is a list in Proverbs 16:6-19, which does not include divorce. The list in Revelation 21:8 of whom will enter the lake of fire, which does not include the “divorced” is very important to highlight:
8 “But cowards (abusers), unbelievers (abusers), the corrupt (abusers), murderers (abusers), the immoral (abusers), those who practice witchcraft, idol worshipers (abusers are worshipers of self), and all liars (most abusers) —their fate is in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”
Interesting to note that abusers, whether verbal or physical, tend to fall in most of the list of who will enter the lake of fire.
Cowards: All abusers are cowards since they pick on the weaker vessels that God commands to honor (1 Peter 3:7). They usually abuse in secret for fear of being revealed. They prey on the woman who is wounded and has low self-esteem, which means she do not know her authority or have confidence or assertiveness. These abusers are like Jekyll and Hyde: nice to their wife in public and in church but evil to her behind closed doors. The Bible calls this double minded and unstable (James 1:8).
Unbelievers: According to many scriptures (see list of scriptures at the end), abusers (emotional, verbal or physical) are not Christians, therefore they are unbelievers.
Corrupt: Abuse is of a corrupt nature. The dictionary defines corrupt as “to change from good to bad in morals, manners, or actions, also to degrade (devalue, to strip of honor, to lower others as inferior).
Murderers: The Bible says those who hate are the same as murderers. (1 John 3:15).
All forms of abuse is hateful.
Idol Worshipers: All abusers are narcissistic to some degree which is the worship of self.
Liars: Abusers often lie and manipulate to get their way.
Abusers tend to have a check mark in the whole list of what God despises and who deserve hell, but wives are expected to stay married to them? Absolutely not!
The devil is the one who likes to elevate himself above others and be in charge (II Thessalonians 2:4; Isaiah 14:14). He wants to be the superior being with all the power and control. He wanted to be like the Most High. This is called pride, haughtiness and arrogance. Likewise, an abuser will lie, accuse, manipulate and blame—all characteristics of the devil. They have no reverence for the Lord. No human needs to be led or ruled over by another. There is no freedom in that. For those choosing to live in God’s spiritual Kingdom on earth, we are led by Holy Spirit. Our God given authority is over the enemy only!
Abusers are not humble. They do not treat their wives with love, dignity, and respect, or think of her as more significant than themselves (Philippians 2:3). They do not value or honor her. Oppression, abuse, misogyny, pride, arrogance, narcissism and control are not marriage issues; they are a heart and sin issue. These men take inaccurate translations and interpretations to justify their control and abuse. They believe they are the boss, the one in charge, the ones with the last say. When the wife does not “obey,” they believe they have the right to “punish”/ verbal or physical abuse which includes yelling.
I know many women pray for their abusive husbands to change but we must realize how the Kingdom functions. God gave us free will and He will not go against it. God gives us choices, even salvation is a choice. If these men are not willing to take any accountability for their behavior, there will be no change. Just like counselors cannot work with anyone that does not want the help. The Kingdom ways is to want to repent, and allow God to heal their wounds, learn how to love sacrificially, and how to submit to one another out of reverence for God (Ephesians 5:21). We do not submit to a gender what we do submit to is one another’s spiritual gifts and anointing.
Abused women want to divorce because they are mistreated, controlled, and have false expectations and interpretation put upon them. It can be difficult to leave an abusive relationship, but it is worth it for the wife and the children. (see my book Let My Women Go! for the impact of abuse on women and children, and how to move forward). God created women to be strong, powerful, with great transformational leadership skills. (see my book Life in God’s Kingdom, for the list and explanation).
The essence of the Christian life is to emulate love, peace, to walk in humility and to collaborate as one body using our unique spiritual gifts, talents, strengths, and anointing. We are to walk in God’s truth that sets people free! Love does not abuse, command, demand, control, exclude, rule over others, take away their rights or opinions as human beings. Two humble, mature, human beings can work together by purposing to heal their wounds, crucify their flesh (pride, sinful nature), learn effective, empathetic, and respectful communication skills, and purpose to be a safe place for their spouse, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Scriptures against Abuse
1 Peter 3:10-12
10 For the Scriptures say, If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil (verbal, emotional abuse, put downs) and your lips from telling lies.11 Turn away from evil (all forms of abuse) and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.12 The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil (all forms of abuse).”
- We should never have a relationship with people that even God is against
1 John 3:4-10
4 Everyone who practices sin (all forms of abuse and control) also practices lawlessness; and sin(all forms of abuse) is lawlessness [ignoring God’s law by action or neglect or by tolerating wrongdoing—being unrestrained by His commands and His will]… 6 No one who abides in Him [who remains united in fellowship with Him—deliberately, knowingly, and habitually] practices sin (all forms of abuse and control). No one who habitually sins (abuses) has seen Him or known Him. 7 Little children (believers), do not let anyone lead you astray. The one who practices righteousness [the one who strives to live a consistently honorable life—in private as well as in public—and to conform to God’s precepts] is righteous, just as He is righteous. 8 The one who practices sin (any abuse) [separating himself from God, and offending Him by acts of disobedience (abuse), indifference, or rebellion] is of the devil [and takes his inner character and moral values from him, not God]; for the devil has sinned and violated God’s law from the beginning... 10 By this the children of God and the children of the devil are clearly identified: anyone who does not practice righteousness [who does not seek God’s will in thought, action, and purpose] is not of God, nor is the one who does not [unselfishly] [b]love his [believing] brother (wife).
- Abusive, controlling husbands are disobedient, indifferent and rebellious against the commands of God to love Him and others. No true follower of Jesus deliberately, knowingly and habitually abuses and controls (sins.) According to scripture, they have taken on the devil’s character and therefore belong to him. No Christian woman should ever be married to someone who chooses to act like the devil (verbal, emotional, and or physical abuse and control) and rebels against God, even if it’s just some of the time, not all the time! ONCE IS TOO MUCH!
Colossians 3:19
19 Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.
- Never abuse or mistreat them
1 Peter 5:3 Don’t be controlling tyrants
Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language.
James 3:6-9
6 And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.9 Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.
- Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical in God’s eyes.
James 3:16
16 For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition (self-centeredness, narcissism), there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.
Proverbs 19:19
19 Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again.
- God knows when we don’t keep people accountable, they will continue to abuse and control.
James 1:14-16
14 Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. 15 These desires give birth to sinful actions (abuse). And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.16 So don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters.
Romans 2:8
8 But for those who are selfishly ambitious and self-seeking and disobedient to the truth but responsive to wickedness, [there will be] wrath and indignation.
Hebrew 10:26-29
26 For if we go on willfully and deliberately sinning (abusing) after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice [to atone] for our sins [that is, no further offering to anticipate], 27 but a kind of awful and terrifying expectation of [divine] judgment and the fury of a fire and burning wrath which will consume the adversaries [those who put themselves in opposition to God]. 28 Anyone who has ignored and set aside the Law of Moses is put to death without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29 How much greater punishment do you think he will deserve who has rejected and trampled under foot the Son of God, and has considered unclean and common the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and has insulted the Spirit of grace?
- Here is another Bible verse that states those who willfully and deliberately control and abuse (sin) have no atonement for their sins. Those who put themselves in opposition of God’s law to love will experience the lake of fire. God pours judgement on them and sends them to the lake of fire, but we have to stay married to them? No!
Abusers are Not Christians:
2 John 9:6
6 And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.7 ... 9 Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son.
James 1:26
26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue (verbal and emotional abuse) you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.
1 John 1:6
6 If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness [of sin] (all forms of abuse), we lie and do not practice the truth;… 8 If we say we have no sin [refusing to admit that we are sinners (abusers)], we delude ourselves and the truth is not in us. [His word does not live in our hearts.]
1 John 2:4
4 Whoever says, “I have come to know Him,” but does not habitually keep [focused on His precepts and obey] His commandments (teachings of love), is a liar, and the truth [of the divine word] is not in him.
Matthew 12:33
33 “A tree is identified by its fruit. If a tree is good, its fruit will be good. If a tree is bad, its fruit will be bad.
- Often trees represent a person while their fruit represents their character, what they produce to others.
1 John 4:18 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Titus 1:15-16
Everything is pure to those whose hearts are pure. But nothing is pure to those who are corrupt and unbelieving, because their minds and consciences are corrupted. Such people claim they know God, but they deny him by the way they live. They are detestable and disobedient, worthless for doing anything good.
- Heart in the Bible is also interchangeable with the word soul (mind, will, and emotions), The word corrupt in the Webster’s dictionary “is to change from good to bad in morals, manner, or actions, to degrade (devalue, dishonor, to treat with inferiority) with unsound moral values.
1 John 2:9
9 The one who says he is in the Light [in consistent fellowship with Christ] (calls themselves a Christian) and yet habitually hates (works against) his brother (wife) [in Christ] is in the darkness.
- The one who says he is a Christian and yet habitually hates or is hateful - abusive, controlling to his wife is a liar. The Bible is full of verses that says these people are not Christians – true followers of Jesus love as He loved. Abusers lie, manipulate, gaslight, and blame, they never take responsibility or accountability, and therefore never change! Why would they want to change when they make sure they have all the power and control to always have their way?
Galatians 5:19-21
19 When you follow the desires of your sinful (abusive, self-centered) nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
- Another verse that states abusers will not enter Heaven. When you follow the desires of your abusive, controlling (sinful) nature the results are hostility, arguments, outbursts of anger, selfishness, division of which will not enter God’s Kingdom. God will not allow them in His Kingdom but we have to stay married to them? No!
What God hates:
Proverbs 6:16-19
16 There are six things the Lord hates— no, seven things he detests:17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent,18 a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong,19 a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a family.
- Haughty means to be prideful, to look down upon others, to see yourself as superior and others as inferior. Abusers lie and manipulate, they choose to do wrong (abuse) instead of be humble, heal their wounds, grow and mature as a human being. A person who sows discord is to cause strife, fights, and quarrels.
Psalm 5:5 the boastful (narcissists can’t help but to boast about themselves)
Proverbs 8:13 pride and arrogance
Ephesians 4:31
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
Psalm 11:5
5 The Lord examines both the righteous and the wicked. He hates those who love violence.
1 John 3:14
Whoever does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother (wife) (abuse is hateful) is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.
- According to Jesus anyone who is hateful (all forms of abuse is hateful) is the same as a murderer and will go to hell if they don’t take any accountability and repent.
Proverbs 10:11
11 The words of the godly are a life-giving fountain; the words of the wicked conceal violent intentions.
- Abusers are not godly or righteous, therefore, He calls them wicked. The definition of wicked is evil, vile, disgusting, likely to cause harm, distress or trouble. These are what God hates but we must stay married to them? No!
Have No Contact with Unrepented Abusers (Sinners)
Proverbs 22:24
24 Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people
Proverbs 14:7 Stay away from fools
- Fools in the Bible are those who disregard God and His Word. They have no interest in understanding (have no empathy for others), despises instruction, are right in their own eyes, they lie, slanders, scoff, ridicule, shows contempt, they lack respect and reverence, do not repent of their wicked ways.
Proverbs 22:10
10 Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go away; Even strife and dishonor will cease.
- If you can’t throw him out, you leave. The Bible says to honor your wife. Also the word strife in the dictionary is defined as violent conflict and contention for superiority.
2 Thessalonians 3:6
6 Now we command you, believers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and by His authority, that you withdraw and keep away from every brother or sister who leads an undisciplined life and does not live in accordance with the tradition and teaching that you have received from us.
Ephesians 5:11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
2 Corinthians 6:14
14 Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?
2 Timothy 3:2-7
But understand this, that in the last days dangerous times [of great stress and trouble] will come, 2 For people will be lovers of self [narcissistic, self-focused], lovers of money [impelled by greed], boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane, 3 [and they will be] unloving [devoid of natural human affection, calloused and inhumane], irreconcilable, malicious gossips, devoid of self-control [intemperate, immoral], brutal, haters of good, 4 traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of [sensual] pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith]. Avoid such people and keep far away from them.
- The “last days” are not the end of the world as we know it. We have been in the “last days” since Pentecost. Notice that it states to avoid such people and keep far away from them.
- Revilers are people who use abusive language.
II Corinthians 5:11-13
11 I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.12 It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. 13 God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.”
- Don’t even eat with those who abuse and worship self and…, but we have to stay married to them? No!
Matthew 18:15
15 “If your fellow believer sins against you, you must go to that one privately and attempt to resolve the matter. If he responds, your relationship is restored. But if his heart is closed to you, then go to him again, taking one or two other with you. You’ll be fulfilling what the Scriptures teaches when it says ’Every word may be verified by the testimony of two or three witnesses’. And if he refuses to listen, then share the issue with the congregation in hopes of restoration. If he still refuses to respond, even to the church, then you must disregard him as though he were an outsider, on the same level as an unrepented sinner.
- This is about what the Church – the Body of Christ is supposed to do when someone sins (which includes all forms of abuse) against another believer and refuses to take responsibility and repent. I will paraphrase for the sake of this teaching: if your husband abuses and tries to control you (sins), if you feel safe, tell him you will no longer tolerate it. But if he does not listen, take with you some support. If he pays no attention refusing to listen, tell it to the church (if he calls himself a Christian), if he refused to listen even to the church, then consider them as an unrepented sinner – an unbeliever. Which means they are choosing not to be a member of the Body of Christ. If they are not a member of the Body of Christ and can be kicked out of a church, how much more are they choosing not to be a partner in marriage, which is supposed to represent Christ’s sacrificial love for the Church?
Warning Against False Teachers
Inaccurate translations and interpretations, are taught in so many denominations. The Bible was not translated at 100 percent accuracy. We must realize anything with human thought and hands, can be manipulated by Satan. Many pastors or priests have never done the research into the Greek or Hebrew. They also have no idea how to deal with domestic abuse. Most of them still blame the women. It’s time we keep husbands and church leadership accountable for their ignorance and pride. Romans 16:17 states:
17 And now I make one more appeal, my dear brothers and sisters. Watch out for people who cause divisions and upset people’s faith by teaching things contrary to what you have been taught. Stay away from them.
- Those who believe God can create inferiority or others to be superior are causing division and hate, not unity. Their teachings are contrary to what Jesus and the apostles actually taught.
And again in 2 Peter 2:1-3, 10-12
Peter warns us against pastors or teachers that:
- Cause division (gender prejudice – they put women down to have the higher rank)
- Have immoral lifestyle (abusive emotionally, verbally, and or physically, controlling)
- Out for themselves (narcissistic)
- Exploit for their own gain (to keep the power and control)
- Cunning arguments (will use inaccurate translations and interpretations)
- Arrogant (attitude of superiority)
- Insolent (keeps putting others down, especially women and wives)
- Contemptuous (hateful)
- Professional insulters (and still blaming Eve’s sin on all women without looking at what Adam did which was worse– Adam also ate the forbidden fruit, then blamed God and Eve) – Know that they were both redeemed by the blood of Jesus on the cross so the finger pointing should stop!)
- Slanders (accuses, disgraces, devalues)
Let’s not be blinded by religious legalism. You have every right lawfully and Biblically to leave or divorce an abusive (verbal, emotional, or physical) spouse. Fear and religious legalism keeps women captive to their abusers. Jesus came to set us free and teach us how to collaborate as one body, and to thrive and succeed on His earth.
Many excerpts were taken from my book Before the Ring and Beyond, The Ultimate Key to a Healthy Marriage.
If you want to live on earth as it is in Heaven, learning how to succeed physically, emotionally and spiritually, get my book Life in God’s Kingdom, How to Manifest Heaven on Earth.
Be free to be mighty for Jesus, please share with others to help set women free from abuse and control.
In freedom and might,
Jeannette
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