Why You Deserve More: Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Introduction

No one begins a relationship expecting it to turn painful. Yet many women find themselves trapped in cycles of emotional, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse—feeling powerless, ashamed, or convinced that leaving is impossible. If you’re reading this, please know: you are not alone, you are not to blame, and God will not punish you.

🚩 Recognizing Abuse

Abuse isn’t always obvious. It can be:

• Emotional: constant criticism, humiliation, or manipulation.

• Verbal: yelling, name-calling, or threats.

• Physical: hitting, shoving, or any unwanted contact.

• Financial: controlling money, restricting access to funds.

• Spiritual: using Scripture, authority, or religious teaching to control, silence, and keep someone “in their place.”

  
  

If your relationship makes you feel unsafe, small, silenced, or less than—you are experiencing abuse.

(See my book Let My Women Go! Setting Women Free from Oppression in the Church and in Marriage for an in-depth list of emotional abuse and how to be empowered.)

🚨 Red Flags of Spiritual Abuse

You may be experiencing spiritual abuse if your husband, pastor, or other:

• Tells you your feelings are irrational, sinful, or don’t matter.

• Uses Scripture to silence you, saying “submission” means you cannot question or disagree.

• Teaches gender roles as unchangeable laws of God, when they are not in the Bible.

• Makes you feel guilty for wanting equality, freedom, or leadership.

• Insists men always have the final say, no matter what.

• Punishes or shames you for asking questions or challenging unhealthy behavior.

• Uses fear (“God will punish you”) to keep you in line.

• Elevates himself as spiritual authority while minimizing your ability to hear from the Holy Spirit.

• Demands respect without offering love, empathy, or mutual care.

• Belittles or mocks your emotions, intuition, or spiritual gifts.

• Tells women their “place” is beneath men, when Jesus Himself declared their place is at His side (Luke 10:39; John 20:17–18)—a position of dignity, authority, and calling.

  
  

👉 If these patterns are present, it’s not Christ — it’s pride and control. Only the insecure and prideful use religious legalism to gain power and be worshiped. Jesus never silenced, belittled, or enslaved women. Instead, He welcomed them as disciples, gave them a voice and sent them to proclaim the good news of the resurrection, entrusted them with His authority, and called them into partnership as one body.

The humble and confident have no problem letting others lead according to their God given spiritual gifts, anointing, and strengths.

✨ Encouragement: Your emotions are not irrational—they are part of your God-given design. Jesus Himself wept (John 11:35), felt deep compassion (Mark 6:34), and honored people’s pain. If someone teaches you that your feelings don’t matter, they are contradicting Christ. He hears you, values your heart, and treasures your voice.

💔 Why It’s So Hard to Leave

It’s not weakness to struggle with leaving. Abusive partners often:

• Convince you that you can’t survive without them.

• Isolate you from friends and family.

• Apologize and promise change, creating false hope.

• Threaten to harm you, your loved ones, or themselves.

• Blame you for their abusive ways.

• Make you think you are going crazy (gaslighting).

• Tell you that leaving is sinful or “ungodly.”

  
  

Understanding these dynamics helps you see the truth: abuse is about control, not love.

👩‍👧 Staying “For the Children” Isn’t Truly Protecting Them

Many women stay in abusive relationships because they want to keep the family together. It’s an understandable instinct—you want your children to have both parents, stability, and a sense of home. But here’s the hard truth:

• Children see and feel more than we realize. Even if they aren’t directly abused, they absorb the fear, tension, and pain in the home. Studies show they can suffer the same negative impact as their mothers.

• Exposure to abuse is trauma. Growing up around yelling, threats, or violence causes anxiety, depression, low self-worth, and increases the risk of repeating the cycle in their own relationships.

• Leaving models courage. When you protect yourself, you also show your children what healthy boundaries and self-respect look like. You’re teaching them that love should never equal fear.

  
  

Children in counseling often say they would rather see their mother happy than continue living in a toxic or abusive home. Leaving is not just for your healing—it can be the greatest gift you give your children: a safe, stable, and loving environment.

🌱 Why You Deserve Freedom

Imagine waking up without fear. Imagine making choices for yourself, regaining your self-worth, and living without walking on eggshells. Leaving isn’t just about escaping abuse—it’s about reclaiming your life. Jesus died to set you free from all bondage of the enemy.

You are worthy of:

• Safety

• Respect

• Joy

• A love that uplifts, not limits or destroys

  
  

👉 The Bible does not call women to live beneath men but to walk in co-leadership. God’s original design before sin was for male and female, both in His image, to govern together (Gen. 1 26-29)

Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Revering God above ourselves is the key to true submission—sharing leadership by honoring one another’s strengths and spiritual gifts. Mutual submission, not hierarchy, is the model of Christlike love.

Much confusion comes from the Greek word kephalē, often translated as “head.” Pagan-influenced translations twisted it to mean leader or authority, but the true meaning is “source” or “origin.” Just as the headwaters are the source of a river, so man was the source of woman in creation. It never implied domination.

In Christ, both are restored as co-heirs—equally called and equally free (Galatians 3:28; 1 Peter 3:7).

If your husband or pastor teaches otherwise, that is not Christ but the world — and you are free to reject it. The Bible says “don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think” (Romans 12:2)

🛡 Steps Toward Leaving Safely

Leaving can be dangerous, so safety planning is essential:

1. Reach out for support – a trusted friend, family member, or a domestic violence hotline.

2. Prepare an exit plan – set aside important documents, cash, and essentials.

3. Use safe communication – delete call logs, clear browser history, or use a friend’s phone/computer.

4. Seek professional help – shelters, legal aid, and therapists specialize in helping women transition safely. (Most pastors are not trained in abuse counseling and may worsen the situation by pressuring women to “stay and submit.” Seek wise, qualified help.)

📞 You’re Not Alone

• In the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.

• Outside the U.S., look up local domestic violence hotlines in your country.

  
  

Closing

You have every right—biblically and legally—to leave an abusive husband. Abuse does not have to be physical for you to leave. (See my blog “Abuse IS Grounds for Divorce” for more.)

God considers verbal and emotional abuse just as destructive as physical.

The Bible is clear: “The vile will be thrown into the lake of fire” (Revelation 21:8). “Vile” means morally despicable, degrading, and foul. James 3:9–10 warns: “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings.” To degrade  the King’s daughters is morally and spiritually despicable it is not Christian living—it reflects the devil’s character, it is vile!

You deserve a life of freedom, treated as a beloved daughter of God—not as a child or slave. Your life should be filled with safety, love, dignity, and respect. The word dignity is defined as being treated as worthy of honor and respect. The prideful and arrogant only value women for what they can do FOR them.

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the bravest choices you can make. Even if fear and doubt whisper otherwise, remember: “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

🌸 Freedom is possible. Healing is possible. A new beginning is waiting for you.

Be free to be mighty for Jesus,

In freedom and might,

Jeannette